I will shiver and suffer in this freezing AC because I am too afraid to ask you to make it warmer in here. And I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s comfort. What kind of monster would I be if I caused the room to get hotter and then people started sweating and complaining about something I asked for?

I will silently go through the things that make me angry in my mind, and not out loud, because I know you’ll say “just relax” or “it’s not that serious.” I also don’t want to start an argument.

IMG_1007I will Google the answer to my question or ask someone else how to do it before I go to you because I’ve already bothered you three times today. You’re probably tired of hearing me call your name.

…Do you even really like me?

I hate making phone calls. To anyone. Even friends and family sometimes. I will avoid ordering what I really want to eat if the place doesn’t have the option to order online. And I will search on a website for all the things before I dare dial a number and ask a human a stupid question, like what time their business hours are.

If you are laughing anywhere near me, I will think you’re joking about me. You could be my mom, my best friend, or a complete stranger. I’ll always wonder: did I do something stupid? Are they laughing at my hair? Is there toilet paper hanging off of my pants?

… Am I doing this right?

Don’t say anything about a malady on my face or in my hair. If there is one booger hanging from my nose or one hair out of place, embarrassment strikes me like a hammer and I can’t think of anything else for the rest of the day. How long has it been there? Have I been looking like an idiot all day? I talked to a lot of people today, and no one said anything!

If things need getting done, I must do it myself. I don’t care how much experience you have doing said task. If you’re not doing it the way I would do it, you’re doing it wrong.

… Am I annoying?

I also have this weird quirk that when there is a single chip in my nail polish, I have to pick it all the way off. And if there is one nail without polish, I then have to pick off the nail polish on the rest of my fingers. And then, for symmetry, I have to pluck off the polish on my other hand. When I paint my nails myself, the polish usually doesn’t last more than three days.

I don’t like taking selfies. I could feel super cute one day, but the second I turn on that front-facing camera, I turn into a hideous beast. And I just can’t post that.

… Do I look right wearing this?

If I were one of the Star Wars droids, I would be C-3PO because he’s always worried, cautious, naggy, and nervous.

Sometimes, I just can’t even.


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